Jesus Arrested!

Jesus Take the Wheel

On July 4th after a rocking good party, Jesus Christ was arrested by local police and charged with numerous offenses. Jesus was found driving Carrie Underwood around in a 4 x 4 Dodge Ram as she was hanging out the window screaming 'Jesus Take the Wheel!'.   Jesus thinking it was a prayer to answer appeared and was found in the drivers seat by police.

The officers at the scene described Jesus getting behind the wheel with no insurance, no license and no state identification card as well as operating a moving vehicle.  Due to such strict traffic laws in the state, Jesus was remanded into custody with 10 million dollars bail pending positive identification.  FBI researchers have yet to find any physical evidence for the now illegal alien and has called Immigration to come pick up and deport Jesus.  The convicted civil rights activist had been put on a government watch list by Roman Centurions centuries ago.    Israel however is refusing to allow repatriation as they have no record of his birth and claim he has been on the terrorist watch list of Israel since an alleged temple incident as well as several riots caused by his followers.

A public defender has been appointed for the convict given he is penniless and has no known relatives within the vicinity.  Pope Francis Esq, came through the region on a tour asked Judge Mohamed for a continuance until the Second Coming.  The Judge promptly refused to hear anything from the Pope who has been known to be a left leaning liberal and a friend of the so called Christ citing conflict of interests of the defender and the defendant.

Jesus can be found singing Jail House Rock by the King in the local county jail.

Hillary Clinton Comes out as BDSM Rope Girl

In an epic display of fetish/kink BDSM practices Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton has apparently instructed her security team to 'Rope Em In' at a New Hampshire  Fourth of July parade.  Reporters became stunned as security representatives quickly and accurately began encircling the herd and slowly migrated the reporters to a new feeding coral.

It has become more and more apparent  that Candidate Clinton desires to woo the BDSM/kink/fetish voters of the country and that the rope trick was the first way to signal kink lovers everywhere of the impending tie up session planned for her coming out party.

It's the first time a Presidential Candidate has used what has widely been viewed as a New York City Police Department sexual fetish method to control free speech and more importantly those unruly reporters.

Getting tied up in knots, the GOP has immediately jumped on the situation claiming that Hillary is completely and unfairly seeking the fetish voters and was sending a secret message to the far left leaning underground groups.

GOP Chairpersons have whispered behind the scenes about the odd practice and how truly appalling it was that a Presidential Candidate would not be upfront about her fetishes and that she should truly be ashamed of her actions in  such a public venue.

The Secret Service have stated that they had been actively investigating a bordello in South America and knew nothing of the plans previously to the agents working the ropes.

Wonder what Hillary is going to whip up in the future.

You Won't Believe What Chris Christie Did Now!

In an epic wave to the far Left Wing Radicals, Governator and Republican Presidential Clown Candidate Chris Christie has done it again.  This time instead of hugging, a black LIBERAL President (GASP!) right after a hurricane, Gov. Christie has instead told the Fundamentalist Republicans the following:

“I think for folks who are in the government world, they kind of have to do their job, whether you agree with the law or you don’t,” 

That's right all you objecting Right Wing Clerks- the Governator has spoken and is demanding that you do...... uhmm. uhmm... Your JOB!  The startling statement has gone viral on internet channels in the dark web and has caused opposition leaders to declare that the Gov. is not a viable candidate for President given such a radical view of what people should do at work.

The radical notion of separating church activities and views from publicly tax funded jobs has appalled his Conservative base so badly that many are calling for Gov. Christie to be IMMEDIATELY IMPEACHED FROM CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT!!!!  A petition is now underway to ask for a special prosecutor from Washington DC of all places to immediately investigate such a statement.

Can you believe it!  I couldn't either....

Sharks Terrified at New 'Anti-Eat' NC Legislation

Sharks terrified at new 'anti-eat' legislation being discussed by the North Carolina Political figures have called for a public "Feed In" around North Carolina Waters.

After 7 reasonable attempts at feedings in their ocean environment, sharks have definitively stated that 'all food must be treated equally among sea animals if you venture into the water'.  The frightening aspect of a Right Wing Legislature trying to curb the necessary feeding ground for millions of years of creationism has sparked an outrage among the fish within the North Carolina coast.

Elected Chairman of the Sharks Pearly Whitetooth declared "It is fabricated that we eat everything we see and that humans taste like chicken!  Humans are one of the most filthy organisms in the ocean and we only take a select few that crawl within our feeding grounds!"

Warnings have been posted on the beach advertising the Feed In yet beach goers still claim to own the water.  As Tid-Bit Morresel said "These beaches have been swam at for decades!  Who do them there sharks think they are! Jesus swam at this very beach and they left HIM alone!"

Confusion still lingers if the the bill will make it past the governors office for a veto threat.

Religion / Constitutional Rights / Freedom

When YOUR religion interferes with MY constitutional rights, it's time to declare your religion anti-American, a threat to Democracy and end your Tax Exemptions.

 If you can't separate your church/religion from your state/county/local government job then it's time also to terminate your employment immediately.

Superfund Sites in New Jersey Clearly Causing Issues with Public Figures

As Superfund Cleanup sites around New Jersey continue to be ignored or fines paid off (the politicians, not the actual fines owed) in an epic short sighted way (such as the Exxon facility in Linden, New Jersey), a recent study published by The Center for Chemical Contamination in Brain Chemistry of Mentally Degenerate Politicians (aka CFCCBCMDP), released a report on two political leaders from New Jersey that are showing epic brain cell disruptions in dramatically public ways.

With the addition of Chris Christie (born at the Newark Superfund area) and Antonin Scalia (born at the Trenton multiple Superfund sites) who have given profoundly gibberished public statements over the past five days, the displayed signs of such chemical contamination has alarmed scientists.

CFCCBCMDP Chief Scientist O'man Sariously stated that the effects of the chemical poisoning apparently can morph to the point where the individuals become super narcissists and incapable of rational and reasonable thought.  The new disease classification has been coined the Scalia-Christie Delusional God Poisoning Syndrome.

Bring in the Clowns - Another Clown for President Arrives

Today in an epic move that stunned the nation, the Republican Party had another large clown step up for a performance in the three ring circus of Republican Presidential impossibilities.  Following directly after Donald Trump (the Rug Master),  Chris Christie (the Rage Master) stepped into the ring to see how many abhorrent articles he could elicit from the press while telling voters to "Shut up!  It's MY time in the Ring!".

The unpopular, narcissistic candidate of the little known political crime state of New Jersey prematurely ejaculated on the telephone telling reporters he was going to come out of the closet into the three rings while the song Send in the Clowns played across the entire earth by a satellite that he contracted as part of his New Jersey Transportation Budget.

As part of his announcement, Gov. Christie shut down all the major bridges out of New Jersey in order that voters could not leave the state during his announcement.

Known as the Garden State, the manure required to fertilize this campaign has gone to epic proportions and cost.  When Acme Fertilizer and Bull was contacted, the owner P. Profusely said "I have never shipped that much bull to any other political figure in my life!  They wanted me to give my steers ex-lax to provide a different finished product.  I just couldn't do that to my cattle."

Sadly, the oxygen that has been depleted from the region due to this blow hard and self proclaimed candidate has caused an Air Quality Warning to be issued for the entire region by the US Weather Service.