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Monday, December 22, 2014

Allison Woolberts' Proposal for New DSM Classification - Social Media Dysphoria

Allisons' Proposal for the DSM: Social Media Dysphoria- created by confusing text and graphics thrown at an individual at all times by people on social media. An epidemic in the early 21st century caused by egos, psychos, activists, family members and politicians colliding in a maelstrom of spewing anything they feel like over social media with no understanding of privacy, ramifications, harms, or morality.

Remedy: Taking time away from social media that results in grounding ones-self back into reality versus false and confusing messages. Stopping the inundation by removal from the source for a given point of time to reflect and reconsider how one might benefit and not be harmed from such intense communications.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Breaking News: Smaug Seizes North Pole in Pre-Holiday Attack

In a complete surprise, Smaug of Middle-Earth has appeared and struck gold foil and gift wrap at the North Pole.  The dragon appeared totally pissed off while pulled off a scathing assault not seen since the days of Shock, Awe and Torture.  According to the conservative Faux Snews, Smaug had contacted some Rethardian House insiders to get permission to insure compliance with their EPA Smaug regulations.

Smaug reportedly was mumbling incessantly about a disagreement with Peter Jackson and Metro-Goldwyn-Mayers’ (the gold hoarding company) in their refusal to drop the part where Smaug was allegedly assassinated by some village idiot.  Occasional bouts of flame interrupted his mumbling with screams echoing across the tundra “I am not a stinking lizard Jackson!” 

Smaug was also fuming mad when he flew into the arctic area only to be confronted by some four legged creature with a blinking nose.  The creature Standing Its Ground had an assault rifle and was yelling “I ain't no stinking Hobbit”.  Second later, after the flames had gone out a pile of cooked venison began chilling in the arctic air.

Elves in shock –
Elves in panic and disarray began hastily trying to save the Book of Naughty and Nice which became dislodged and slid into the mountain of Christmas packages. In a frantic attempt to retrieve the book, several chief elves got tangled in the gold ribbons and paper resulting in a snack for Smaug as he dug his claws deeper into the castle.  The book is now lost and unfortunately under the control of Smaug.

In an attempt to negotiate with the Emperor Smaug the corporate chief elves made every attempt to dissuade Smaug from seizing the Pole by telling him how they had not defended the dwarfs when he took over his last golden hoard.   After a brief discussion, Smaug toasted the negotiators stating “Who knew- dwarves and elves all taste like chicken and where is the damn soy sauce up here!”

In terror, the elves hastily all tried to climb into the Sleigh toppling it over a cliff!  No survivors have been found as of yet.

Santa missing while Mrs. Clause is chained to the Christmas tree
Santa has gone missing and a search is underway for the chubby dude by the local authorities.  A trail of candy canes appears to lead off into the tundra.

In another surprise, Mrs. Clause apparently has been taken captive when she crossed ‘the border’ returning with the Christmas cheer (code name: Santa’s spiked eggnog) from his favorite liquor store.  Mrs. Clause stated after her brief discussion with Smaug the following “Gollum, gollum… my chubby sexy bunny is LOST!  gollum”. Interpreters are still working on the obviously coded message.

International Community Reacts
The international community has reacted very strongly by condemning the attack and closing all the chimneys in an act of defiance concerning the seized holiday gifts.   The President of the Fractured States issued the following:

“Smaug has done it this time!  We shake our fist in rage at such a terribly inconsiderate beast.  We will be issuing a proper response at some time in the future when the clock ticks on the special hour of our determination whenever that might be.”

The remainder of the international community still hasn't figured out what that means and highly suspects that heavy Haupai or Mai Tai’s were being consumed at the time of the press release.

 This has been a special pre-holiday releaese

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Elf Watch- Santa Helper getting Slammed

Elf Watch- This long time Santa's Helper has hit the end of the road. the Gender Identity Wart-ch machine is now demanding the removal of all male appearing gender elfs from Santas' workshop to combat the evil elves. "All those evil bearing elves should be locked up forever and never be allowed to be near females!"

In the meantime, concerns are growing that this sleeping elf behind the wheel could result in the Family Lack-of-Credible-Research Council may be considering a constitutional amendment to ban all elves in any vehicles. "We understand the implicit dangers to our families by a psycho elf falling asleep in a vehicle- the Family Must Be Preserved and the only way to do that is a Constitutional Amendment banning elves from entering our country!"

And of course the Elfigration Department has again spoken up- "Elves infiltrating our country are of a great concern and could potentially be a terrorist- they liter endlessly with wrapped up boxes, general presence around children, and we have no idea where they go other than December! Our attempts to infiltrate their lairs have only resulted in Reindeer Poop!"

The Central Elf Lack-Of-Inteleggence Agence has also weighed in on the matter- "We have waterboarded several of these creatures lately and have established clear evidence that a full blown plot to murder Santa has been discovered. Waterboarding of elves works!"

Sadly- the state of the elf kingdom is in total disarray as the gifts are due next week, they are down the master elf now, and apparently AA is rejecting elves at the door due to a confusion as to if it's an allergy, the steps validity on elves, and the elves refusal to believe in a Higher Power greater than Santa.

Sigh- the world is a changed place- Written By Allison Woolbert (yep you can stick my name on it please)