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Sunday, December 21, 2014

Breaking News: Smaug Seizes North Pole in Pre-Holiday Attack

In a complete surprise, Smaug of Middle-Earth has appeared and struck gold foil and gift wrap at the North Pole.  The dragon appeared totally pissed off while pulled off a scathing assault not seen since the days of Shock, Awe and Torture.  According to the conservative Faux Snews, Smaug had contacted some Rethardian House insiders to get permission to insure compliance with their EPA Smaug regulations.

Smaug reportedly was mumbling incessantly about a disagreement with Peter Jackson and Metro-Goldwyn-Mayers’ (the gold hoarding company) in their refusal to drop the part where Smaug was allegedly assassinated by some village idiot.  Occasional bouts of flame interrupted his mumbling with screams echoing across the tundra “I am not a stinking lizard Jackson!” 

Smaug was also fuming mad when he flew into the arctic area only to be confronted by some four legged creature with a blinking nose.  The creature Standing Its Ground had an assault rifle and was yelling “I ain't no stinking Hobbit”.  Second later, after the flames had gone out a pile of cooked venison began chilling in the arctic air.

Elves in shock –
Elves in panic and disarray began hastily trying to save the Book of Naughty and Nice which became dislodged and slid into the mountain of Christmas packages. In a frantic attempt to retrieve the book, several chief elves got tangled in the gold ribbons and paper resulting in a snack for Smaug as he dug his claws deeper into the castle.  The book is now lost and unfortunately under the control of Smaug.

In an attempt to negotiate with the Emperor Smaug the corporate chief elves made every attempt to dissuade Smaug from seizing the Pole by telling him how they had not defended the dwarfs when he took over his last golden hoard.   After a brief discussion, Smaug toasted the negotiators stating “Who knew- dwarves and elves all taste like chicken and where is the damn soy sauce up here!”

In terror, the elves hastily all tried to climb into the Sleigh toppling it over a cliff!  No survivors have been found as of yet.

Santa missing while Mrs. Clause is chained to the Christmas tree
Santa has gone missing and a search is underway for the chubby dude by the local authorities.  A trail of candy canes appears to lead off into the tundra.

In another surprise, Mrs. Clause apparently has been taken captive when she crossed ‘the border’ returning with the Christmas cheer (code name: Santa’s spiked eggnog) from his favorite liquor store.  Mrs. Clause stated after her brief discussion with Smaug the following “Gollum, gollum… my chubby sexy bunny is LOST!  gollum”. Interpreters are still working on the obviously coded message.

International Community Reacts
The international community has reacted very strongly by condemning the attack and closing all the chimneys in an act of defiance concerning the seized holiday gifts.   The President of the Fractured States issued the following:

“Smaug has done it this time!  We shake our fist in rage at such a terribly inconsiderate beast.  We will be issuing a proper response at some time in the future when the clock ticks on the special hour of our determination whenever that might be.”

The remainder of the international community still hasn't figured out what that means and highly suspects that heavy Haupai or Mai Tai’s were being consumed at the time of the press release.

 This has been a special pre-holiday releaese

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